Car Thieves

by Ákos Németh

translated by Ché Walker

TIME: 	Autumn.
SETTING:	Street with a bus stop, run down flat, luxurious flat, surgery, fast food restaurant, pharmacy, police station, parish church.

PROLOGUE
(In a car)
LACIKA	How can you be such a neek?
ARON	Stop pushing me.
LACIKA	Connect this with that wire. Wake up.
ARON	Can’t do it.
LACIKA	Cause you’re a neek.
ARON	Stop pushing me, I told you.
LACIKA	Such a sweet ride and you can’t ignite it. Even a mong could start this car.
ARON	Now...
The engine starts.
LACIKA	About time, you cretin. Let’s roll.
ARON	Let’s get out of here, come on.
LACIKA	What?
ARON	Here, jump in.
LACIKA	Do what?
ARON	Drive.
LACIKA	I can’t drive.
ARON	You said you could drive, you said you could drive, you prick fool.
LACIKA	I can’t drive, you can drive.
ARON	I’ve never been able to drive.
LACIKA	(angry) I don’t believe this! I don’t believe this! You mess up everything you do! Shit! Such a frikkin neek! We should burn it at least.
ARON	Are you nuts? You are going to burn the steering wheel with matches?
POLICEMAN	What the hell are you doing here? Are you alright?
ARON	Come on Ferike, leave us alone. You frightened me.
LACIKA	Uh... Aron has dropped his glasses and we’re looking for them. Without his glasses he can’t see the road markings.
POLICEMAN	I see. Who’s motor?
LACIKA	Keep your nose out my business!
POLICEMAN	I am the police, you twat.
ARON	I wouldn’t be so proud of it.
POLICEMAN	Hands up! And get out the car!
LACIKA	Let’s do one!
(Music plays in the car radio.)

ACT ONE
1.
(A battered terrace.)
(One, then two...)
(The Doctor and Moni enter. Ildiko stops crying.)
MONI	The doctor is an angel. Barbara’s sleeping.
DOCTOR	The dog stopped whining as well. I tied it behind the garage. One flick with the lead here, one tetanus injection there - bit of a mountain out of a molehill!
MONI	Your healing worked because you love everybody.
DOCTOR	I have been to eleven funerals in my life. There is nobody left for me to love. So you have already moved the little girl to the grandmother’s room.
ILDIKO	Another glass of wine, Doctor? Moni, offer some more to the doctor.
DOCTOR	I can help myself to the schnapps in the cupboard. When I used to come here on wednesdays, there was quiet here, this was an island of peace. Your mother never took me seriously. No more peace. What a racket!
MONI	Can you hear the swallows?
DOCTOR	I’d chase them away. Today I was there at the post-mortem. I had a hard day.
(Moni stands up and goes into the house.)
ILDIKO	How can you talk about such horrible things?
DOCTOR	But this is not a horrible thing. For such is life. We live, then we die, and when we die they make a list of our organs.
ILDIKO	But how can you say this? You know she adored her grandmother.
DOCTOR	She? Her grandmother? But she hardly knew her! I adored her grandmother. I dreamt hopelessly of her when I was twenty and she was sixteen. And I had to assist at the post-mortem, not her, because I was the Family Doctor. Then why is she crying, why not me?
ILDIKO	You are a monster, doctor, a heartless monster. You made this poor girl cry. What did you say, did you want some wine?
DOCTOR	You see, I had a hard day, my memories are suffocating me, I had to wire a childhood love’s death certificate, and on top of this I’m called a monster.
ILDIKO	You can feel hurt. You can feel hurt, but you are still a monster... Yes, it’s better if you leave now.
DOCTOR	All right, then. Comfort your niece in my name. Where is my hat? You could easily have been my daughter, and instead you call me a monster... All right then.
(Doctor exits.)
(Moni returns and stands in the doorway.)
MONI	Has he gone?
ILDIKO	Never mind him. He’s a whacked out old hermit, he’s 50% nuttah, and 100% alcoholic. Hear what I say? Forget about it.
MONI	Granny’s funeral will be on Thursday.
ILDIKO	Otherwise he’s a good doctor. He used to examine you on that table when you were a nipper.
MONI	You’ve already told me this. I’m not going to the funeral.
ILDIKO	What? Why? You loved your grandmother.
MONI	I don’t want to see anybody. I miss her so much.
ILDIKO	We’ll all miss her.
MONI	Who we talking about?
ILDIKO	You and your daughter can stay with me, now that you have to leave this house.
MONI	Very kind.
ILDIKO	You will have to work.
MONI	Had no other plans.
ILDIKO	You’ll work for me. You already know Sing-Song. You don’t have to be poor forever.
MONI	I don’t mind being poor, as long as I’ve got lots of money.
ILDIKO	And I expect to be respected properly.
MONI	You and all Sing-Song’s girlfriends will get all the respect you deserve.
ILDIKO	Let’s clear this up, one more foolish comment and you’re out.
MONI	You mean out of here?
ILDIKO	For your own sake.
(Ildiko exits.)

2.
(The street.)
BRUNN	If you say that again, I’ll spark you. There’s only six packs left.
LACIKA	They put a lock on the drug cupboard. I can get some more from the ward, but that’s the end of it. I’m doing a night shift tomorrow, I can get you all the painkillers you can handle, but the old girls in the ward will be screaming.
BRUNN	Tomorrow is too late, ass-wipe.
LACIKA	Could Mariusz wait one more day?
BRUNN	This is my private business.
LACIKA	Right. Nobody’s business but your own.
BRUNN	So don’t mess around with my money or you’ll never work off your debt.
LACIKA	I never would. Just gimme one more day. I only need one last hit so I get through the night shift without withdrawals.
BRUNN	Same old story!
(Brunn professionally searches him and takes an envelope from him.)
BRUNN (cont’d) 	Was that it?
LACIKA	I’ll die without! I don’t have any more.
BRUNN	I don’t give a monkey’s.
LACIKA	Please, I really need it. Fuck’s sakes. Tomorrow I’ll bring you twice as much.
BRUNN	I don’t give a shit. And this is to remind you that you can’t bullshit me.
(Brunn stamps on the boy’s foot and presses on it with a joy. The boy is screaming.)
BRUNN (cont’d) 	Come on, keep it together, kid. You got a long night ahead, you sorry little pill popping fudgenudgin faggot.
(Lacika can’t stand on his feet.)

3.
(Bus stop)
(Two at a bus stop, late at night.)
ARON	Whassamatter?
MONI	Nothing, just a rat. The park is swarming with them. They got a thing for the rubbish.
(Aron is secretly watching a girl.)
MONI (cont’d)	I’m gutted you’re gonna be a priest. Your mother wants it, don’t she, smartarse.
ARON	Don’t call me this.
MONI	What else to call you, I been calling you smartarse from time. What you staring at, smartarse?
ARON	The fountain. The neon lights make the water red.
MONI	It’s as if the sky is being washed with blood.
(They watch the fountain.)
ARON	(secretly watching girl) You going somewhere?
MONI	Why you so int’rested?
ARON	Where?
MONI	I’m not going nowhere, I’m just going home. Just saw you standing there. What are you looking at now?
ARON	I want to ask you something...
MONI	What? You wanna ask me out to the pictures and all?
(pause)
ARON	I wanted to ask you. Why does everyone call you Anke?
(pause)
MONI	Maybe my mum wanted to have an Austrian kid. Because I was born in Wiener Neustadt, where my mum was a waitress with decent patrons.
ARON	And how does it feel?
MONI	What?
ARON	To be born in Wiener Neustadt.
MONI	Can’t remember.
ARON	Pity.
(pause)
ARON (cont’d)	I thought your mum brought you up.
MONI	My mum runs a guest-house in South -America.
ARON	This poxy bus is never gonna reach.
MONI	You got a foul mouth, Father Aron.
ARON	It’s not definite yet. Why do you keep scratching?
MONI	My bra is too small.
ARON	Wishful thinking, babe.
MONI	Haha very funny.
ARON	I got to be honest. I’m not actually waiting for the poxy bus. I’m waiting for a date. That’s what I wanted to say.
(pause)
MONI	You? And who is it?
ARON	None of your business.
MONI	I bet it’s a cripple with three titties. What she look like?
ARON	Why you so curious about her?
MONI	I’m not curious. Juss wanted to go to the pictures.
(Moni exits angry.)

4.
(Ext. Bus stop)
(Two at bus stop.)
(Mrs. Molnar, fifties, enters.)
ARON	‘Emotional, adventurous, patient, gentle, romantic, generous, gallant and financially secure?’
MRS. MOLNAR	Who are you?
ARON	It’s me. The White Rose.
MRS. MOLNAR	You are the White Rose? This is a disgrace!
ARON	No, it’s ‘Soulmates’.
MRS. MOLNAR	You said you were fifty-seven. How old are you?
ARON	Physically: Twenty. Mentally; Fifty-seven.
MRS. MOLNAR	You are very impertinent, boy. This is a dirty trick. I could report you to the police.
ARON	Why don’t you want to take a chance with me? Gimme a chance.
MRS. MOLNAR	Are you mad? Idiot. ‘Financially secure’! You haven’t got a clue how to support a woman.
ARON	My mum cooks every day, you could move into my place.
MRS. MOLNAR	Tell me why had to meet at a bus stop?
ARON	It’s an infrequent service. And this is my hangout, anyway.
MRS. MOLNAR	I should give you a hefty slap, kid. I hope this was fun for you!
(Mrs. Molnar exits.)
ARON	Does it make a difference that I want to be a priest?
MRS. MOLNAR	In which church?
ARON	Catholic.
MRS. MOLNAR	In that case, I’m converting to Islam.
(Mrs. Molnar exits.)
ARON	Women always judge you by appearances.
(Moni emerges from a hiding place.)
MONI	I didn’t realise you went for vintage models.
ARON	I don’t care about immature birds. I care about life.

5.
(Fast food restaurant)
(A boy in a wheelchair is reading Shnitzler’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ with some difficulties.)
LACIKA	‘The warm breeze brought the smell of wet meadows and distant hills to the narrow streets. - Where now - thought Friolin, as if it wasn’t the most evident thing to do, to go home and go to bed. But he could not do that. He felt homeless and outcast since his annoying meeting with those Alemagnes. Or maybe since Marianne’s confession?’
Oh, Marianna, you little slappa!
‘No -’ 
(Lacika accidentally turns two pages and loses the plot.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	‘No. Since longer. Since his chat with Albertine, something chased him further and further. From the familiar every day routine of his life into a different, distant world.’
Albertine, you beast!
‘He’s been walking without any purpose at the night streets, every now and then the gentle spring breeze touched his forehead; finally with decisive steps, as if he had found his long searched destination, he entered into a less elegant cafe -’
I bet it’s a pub!
‘... Cafe. In the corner three gentlemen were playing cards.’
(Moni enters, putting on an apron.)
MONI	What do you want?
LACIKA	This is my favourite book. I found it in the X-ray ward.
MONI	Did it show that you have no brain?
LACIKA	I was there for my leg.
MONI	So what do you want?
LACIKA	Nothing, I guess.
MONI	Can’t do that.
LACIKA	Then I have to think on it. I need to talk to a guy, who’s here, but I don’t wanna jump on him.
MONI	Think about it then. We have four types of burgers.
LACIKA	Don’t you remember me? I’m Aron’s mate.
MONI	I couldn’t give a shit who’s friend you are.
LACIKA	We spoke on the phone. I mean I rang you once, but..
MONI	Fascinating. We have four types of burgers apart from the menus.
LACIKA	I could learn a lot from you.
SING-SONG	You been scoping me for time now. I don’t like being scoped. I don’t find myself to be a spectacle. Do you find me a spectacle?
LACIKA	No. I’m very sorry, sir.
SING-SONG	So whatchou watchin me for? Ain’t you got better things to be doing?
LACIKA	I wanted to speak with you, but I didn’t want to disturb you. I’ve heard you’re in the second-hand motor business, and, sir, I wanted to sell you something.
SING-SONG	Second-hand motors? What if I am?
LACIKA	I wanna sell you this wheelchair. Thass why I wanted to speak with you. It’s a sweet ride. I juss gave it a superwash.
(pause)
SING-SONG	Are you taking the piss outta me, fool? Am I hearing you correctly?
LACIKA	You should see how this baby moves! The other day I’m coming downhill and a police camera flashed me.
(Lacika moves the wheelchair forwards and backwards.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	Forwards and backwards. Handbrake as standard.
SING-SONG	I don’t deal in shopping trolleys, I deal in strictly engined vehicles y’get me?
LACIKA	This has an engine. Only the brake got stuck.
(He jumps up from the wheelchair, arranges it, then walks to Sing-Song.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	This is a first class machine. Moves like a wet dream !
SING-SONG	I don’t believe this fool! If you were any dumber, you’d be a cauliflower!
LACIKA	Dumb! Do you realise how difficult it is to sneak one of these out of a hospital?

6.
(The street)
ARON	Scuse me, that your fiat?
BRUNN	None a your fuckin business.
ARON	I got the boom stereo for your ride, suits it down to the ground.
BRUNN	Already got one.
ARON	I wouldn’t bother you, but I sight one dubious looking dude sniffin round your car. Proper suspicious. Gotta keep your eyes peeled in case of robbery. Christ on a bike, what if he’s already robbed you? Wouldn’t it be a smart move to have a spare radio at home? You’ll thank me, truss me.
BRUNN	Get off.
ARON	Half-price.
BRUNN	I said get off. You deaf?
(Brunn checks his car.)
ARON	Christ on a bike, I’m not gonna twist your arm. Looks like I got myself a radio then.
BRUNN	Motherfuckin junkie scumbag thieving little prick pulled my lock out and where are the fuckin cops now, having a fuckin mochachino somewhere? Where the fuck are they and what are they fucking doing?
7.
(Int. Fast food restaurant)
DOCTOR	I came to here to apologise to your aunt, or she should apologise to me, I don’t actually remember.
MONI	She went out on business somewhere.
DOCTOR	It’s so hot in here.
MONI	I’m glad that you’re here, would you touch my pulse, please? Don’t you find that it’s hardly beating?
DOCTOR	Nonsense.
MONI	Everything I say, you tell me nonsense. You’re impossible to talk to. Just because I’m young enough to be your daughter.
DOCTOR	Granddaughter.
MONI	Tell me this. Is there any sense in living life? Cup of tea?
DOCTOR	No to tea, yes to life. There is sense in our living.
MONI	Bright sun outside like summer, but it just makes me sadder.
DOCTOR	Mood swings. What’s on the menu?
MONI	Four types of burgers. Regular deluxe, extra deluxe and light. I mean, regular light and deluxe light. And regular light, but I think I said that already and we also have just regular regular.
DOCTOR	That makes five.
MONI	It’s only four to be honest with you.
DOCTOR	And what’s the difference?
MONI	The tomato.
DOCTOR	I see. So some come with no tomato.
MONI	In theory but I put tomato in all of them.
DOCTOR	Then what’s the difference?
MONI	Nothing.
DOCTOR	I don’t think I’ll order. I also came to ask you if I could take the old armchair from the apartment.
MONI	I noticed you like talking to it.
(pause)
DOCTOR	Your grandmother sat in that chair for thirty years. I should have asked for her hand forty years ago.
MONI	I’m twenty. It means she sat here for ten years before I was born.
DOCTOR	How is your daughter?
MONI	Ildiko is looking after her. She insists.
DOCTOR	Poor child.
MONI	You talking about me?
DOCTOR	Though a dash of wine would make the tea taste sweeter... Drinking wine is as harmful as love.
MONI	Nothing ever happens over here.
DOCTOR	Last night I dreamt of an old New Year’s Party, when the revellers swamped across her terrace. I felt tormented all day.. As if I was shivering in the bowels of the earth. I should go! It’s getting late.
8.
(Fast food restaurant)
ARON	Excuse me, can I sit here?
ILDIKO	If you want.
ARON	I wanted to ask you something.
ILDIKO	Go on then.
ARON	Nothing... What are you reading?
ILDIKO	Why?
ARON	Seems interesting.
ILDIKO	I’m reading the Budapest Philharmonic is playing here, if you really wanna know.
ARON	Playing here?
ILDIKO	Yeah. What do you make of that?
ARON	No problem. Our side will win.
ILDIKO	Any other questions you wanna ask?
ARON	Are you free tonight?
(pause)
ILDIKO	Piss off. For your own safety, piss off.
ARON	What’s the matter, doncha like hot young men?
ILDIKO	You cock cheese fool!
ARON	Don’t let appearance fool you.
ILDIKO	That’s right. I don’t let appearance fool me. I trust my eyes. Go away.
ARON	And what if I don’t go away? What if I stay right here?
(Ildiko moves into the staff room)
(Moni enters.)
MONI	Whassup, you got blanked?
ARON	She’s just a dyke.
MONI	You’re better off not knowing what you missed out on.
ARON	This ain’t my week at all. Got a fag?
MONI	School?
ARON	Don’t give a monkey’s about school. S’posed to do my exams today.
MONI	What kind of fool does his first year tests at the age of twenty?
ARON	Fifth year tests! And evening school, actually.
(Aron lights a smoke.)
MONI	It’s a non-smoking restaurant.
(Moni lights up a smoke.)
MONI (cont’d) 	How did it go?
ARON	The exam? Crap.
MONI	What subject?
ARON	Don’t ask. The fall of the Roman Empire.
MONI	And?
ARON	I didn’t know the Roman Empire had fallen! (beat) What have you been doing?
MONI	Aerobics. My shift starts in a minute.
ARON	Dumb bitch! All that leaping about concusses your mind. It’s a well known fact.
MONI	There’s no leaping about. I think everyone should try a sport. Or at least not get leanup every night.
ARON	Aerobics is not a sport.
MONI	You wouldn’t last one minute.
ARON	You bet.
MONI	Even I’m stronger than you. And I’m not stopping at aerobics. But I’m registering with a sports club. Maybe they’ll send me to matches. You don’t even wanna know where?
ARON	Para-lympics?
MONI	You wanna backhander? Go play with your stupid friend. You’re lucky I have to go.
ARON	Why? Some guys get a real hard-on for mental defectives. Some people really go for them.
MONI	Now that you mentioned, I can really see you doing that.
ARON	Me? Joker! Never me, but Lacika would definitely vibrate with you. He loves girls like you. He sees a girl like you in mcdonalds and his pulse is racing like a madman. Could hardly cool him down. He’d dig you too.
MONI	I’m gonna learn boxing, and once I reach a level, I’m kickin your head clean off.
ARON	That’s not boxing.
MONI	Yeah, Thai-boxing! I’ll use your head as a football.
(Moni cleans tables)
ARON	I told you, it’s not thai-boxing. Sorry.

9.
(Int. Food restaurant)
ILDIKO	And what do you really do at the company?
BRUNN	I solve problems. Problems as you know will always arise and when they do, I solve them.
ILDIKO	Exciting! What kind of problems do you solve?
BRUNN	Little of this, little of that. In our business one has to be competent in everything.
SING-SONG	But I have to interject that Brunn has only one way of solving a problem.
BRUNN	All’s well, ends well.
SING-SONG	You wouldn’t believe Brunn has a degree.
ILDIKO	Really? What did you study?
SING-SONG	Higher pyschopathics!
BRUNN	I’m sure I’d remember if I’d been to college.
ILDIKO	Your family must be proud.
SING-SONG	He has no family.
ILDIKO	Girlfriend?
SING-SONG	No girlfriend. Three times a week, he goes to a Polish widow, ten years on him, and he calls her mummy.
(pause)
BRUNN	Stop that bloody singing!
(Brunn exits to toilet.)
ILDIKO	Two more coffees, please.
ARON	Here I am. What shall I bring?
ILDIKO	Coffee.
ARON	It wouldn’t kill you to help yourself.
SING-SONG	What did you say?
ARON	I said she could have helped herself, but I can bring them, no problem.
SING-SONG	No problem?
ARON	No, no problem. Just I had lots to do.
SING-SONG	Sorry to burst your bubble, but you ever cogitate on what a fool you are to backchat your guv’nor, you little lowlife?
ILDIKO	Leave it, please..
SING-SONG	Wait a minute. No problem, yes, no problem at all. Because if there is a problem Brunn will come and solve it. But there’s a slight problem with Brunn solving your problem because he has only one way to solve a problem. But this is not a problem as we’re juss conversing, my young compadre and I, we are talking to clarify a misconstruction.
ARON	I’m sorry.
SING-SONG	Wait a minute. This ain’t quite so simple. She’s the manager, ain’t she? And you’re an employee, aren’t you? Or am I mistaken? You are gettin paid to do as you’re told.
ILDIKO	Leave it...
ARON	I’m sorry, I apologise, Ildiko.
ILDIKO	Ok. It’s alright.
SING-SONG	No. We have to resolve this.
ILDIKO	No, no, it’s alright.
(Brunn returns from the toilet.)
BRUNN	The bogs are lovely sparkly clean over there. Hey! Whassup?
SING-SONG	Let me introduce you to Aron, who probably cleans the toilets as well, so you can congratulate him. Oi! Where’s he gone?
ILDIKO (to Aron)	Go, they’ll get off you in a minute. But they don’t like if you just leave them like this. C’mon. I’ll introduce you to Brunn. He’s the one in the whistle.
ARON	Holy fuckin shit!
ILDIKO	Excuse me?
ARON	Fuckin hell!
ILDIKO	What?
ARON	I don’t believe this! This can’t be true!
ILDIKO	Do you know him?
ARON	Oh no, not this!
ILDIKO	What’s wrong with you?
(Aron washes the floor with his apron.)
ILDIKO (cont’d) 	This is Aron.
(Aron does not look up.)
ARON	Good morning, sir. I feel blessed to meet you, sir.
ILDIKO	Aron is studying to be a priest. One day we’re gonna be so proud of him.
BRUNN	Nice to meet you.
(They try to shake hands, but the handshake becomes very clumsy, because Aron won’t look up.)
BRUNN (cont’d) 	Are you alright?
ARON	I’m ok, thank you.
BRUNN	Are you always so industrious?
ARON	Absolutely, yes. You have to be because the punters are so filthy. They’d leave their brains behind and all, given half a chance, Christ on a bike.
(pause)
BRUNN	What did you say?
ARON	That the punters are messy.
BRUNN	I thought you phrased it differently.
(Aron stands up.)
ARON	I don’t remember.
BRUNN	I’ve got you, you little bleeder!
(Aron runs away knocking down trays and pushing down tables.)
(Brunn returns unsuccessfully, licking his finger.)
BRUNN (cont’d) 	Do you have a plaster? Your bleedin singing makes me crazy.

10. 
(Int. Fast food restaurant)
MONI	Nervous?
SING-SONG	Course not.
MONI	Yes you are, you’re nervous.
SING-SONG	I got a problem.
MONI	Monetary?
SING-SONG	No.
MONI	Ildiko?
SING-SONG	Everything is alright with her.
MONI	Does she know we’ve done the deed?
SING-SONG	No way.
MONI	Did she find out we’d been linking since?
SING-SONG	Reckon I must be nuts to be seen with you here. You seeing her today?
MONI	Yes.
SING-SONG	Tell her the answer to my question is yes.
MONI	Why don’t you ring her?
SING-SONG	None a your business. What you gonna tell her?
MONI	Easy. The answer’s yes.
SING-SONG	Good memory.
MONI	What was the question?
SING-SONG	She asked me to marry her. And I’m answering the question.
(pause)
MONI	Why do I have to tell her?
SING-SONG	Keep it together. I only asked to tell her yes.
MONI	Or did you ask me not to tell her ?Why are you humming?
(They kiss.)
(Enter Brunn. He winces when he touches his finger. He stands at the door, troubled.)
SING-SONG	It’s just a song.
(Brunn eats pizza. They don’t notice him.)

11.
(Surgery)
DOCTOR	Imagine we lived in South America. Their morals and habits are different to ours.
MONI	There are no saints in south America either.
DOCTOR	Alright, let’s forget South America. Imagine your Ladyship falls in love.
MONI	Ok let’s imagine.
DOCTOR	And love bears fruit. The one you love is rich, award-winning motor vehicle, award winning house, award winning designer furniture, and your true love soars to the heavens in a heartbeat.
MONI	You’re telling me I’m pregnant again.
DOCTOR	We could put it like that.
MONI	Shit.
DOCTOR	What’s shit?
MONI	The fruit of true love is shit. I can’t strap another baby round my auntie’s neck.
DOCTOR	What about the award winning house?
MONI	No. He works in the bar in the station. But he is an award winning darts thrower.
DOCTOR	I must have confused him with the previous one.
MONI	Sad to say, I confused them too. Easily done, they’re both rats.
DOCTOR	I’m sad to hear this. Especially that he has no award winning house. Hearts mend easier on a well-kept lawn.
MONI	Pregnant again. All the wonderful unique things that have happened to me are related to men, and I can’t think back on any of ‘em without throwing up. Any chance of a loan, Doc?
DOCTOR	How much and what for?
MONI	Guess.
DOCTOR	For that, No! And I wouldn’t trust you with my money, anyway.

12.
(Pharmacy)
(Two in the pharmacy.)
MRS. MOLNAR	S’cuse me. (into phone) Yes? Sell, for god’s sakes, sell everything. Don’t fuss.
BRUNN	I only wanted to -
MRS. MOLNAR	Just a second! (into phone) You’re only telling me this now? You’re lacking something, I swear... Sell everything now! How can you be such a dick!(to Brunn) The world is full of assholes! (into phone) Fuckin asshole! Sell them all ! Sell them all!
BRUNN	A table fell on my finger.
MRS. MOLNAR	Are you mad? You’re whingeing about your finger when my shares plummet!
(Brunn loses his patience and pulls a sawnoff shotgun.)
BRUNN	Fuck this, everybody lie on the floor! Quick! Move!
MRS. MOLNAR	Jesus Mary, take the money. The code for the drug cabinet is in the drawer..
BRUNN	Shut up! Gimme all your bandaids in this shop!

13.
(The street)
LACIKA	You better think long and hard about this.
MONI	Don’t worry. One sniff ain’t gonna hook me again.
LACIKA	That’s what I said. Got off the charlie, then got back on the charlie. It will be like the best orgasm of your life.
MONI	Don’t mention that.
LACIKA	Aron said you’d fuck anything back in the day. Is this true? Did you sleep with all and sundry?
MONI	I didn’t sleep with all and sundry.
LACIKA	Why did you sleep with all and sundry?
MONI	To prove to this guy that I didn’t give a shit about him... I fell hard for this guy who broke my heart.
(She sniffs a line of coke.)
(pause)
LACIKA	Did you like it?
MONI	What is this shit?
LACIKA	This shit is good shit. I boosted it from the hospital.
MONI	This is by no means the best orgasm of my life.

14.
(The street)
(Ildiko is trying on sunglasses from a stall.)
SING-SONG	This business is going bellyup as well! I need time. I need time to pull myself together.
ILDIKO	Are you addicted to her that much?
SING-SONG	I don’t know what you’re talking about..
ILDIKO	She’s not in love with you. She’s immature. She’ll fuck anybody.
SING-SONG	I like her, that’s all.
ILDIKO	She doesn’t like anybody. Even herself. She hates living.
SING-SONG	You’ve misconstrued, doll.
ILDIKO	I knew you’d do this one say. Is this really what you want to do?
SING-SONG	But I love you.
ILDIKO	You don’t love me anymore.
SING-SONG	Who else would I love then?
ILDIKO	You don’t love me anymore. It’s my fault. I’ll pack my stuff in the evening.
(Sing-Song exits.)
ILDIKO (cont’d) 	You cowardly, cowardly bastard!
(Ildiko destroys the sunglass stand.)

15.
(Front gate)
ILDIKO	You didn’t need to walk me home but I do appreciate your kindness, old whassyerface..
ARON	Iss a rough manor.
ILDIKO	Damn straight. Give you an example, the other day rubbish men were a day late, they don’t even sweep up round here anymore. In the end I’ll probably slip, I suppose.
LACIKA	When you sober up, leaning on the wall...
ILDIKO	I never want to lean on the wall.
LACIKA	I can just see you leaning on the wall.
ARON	You stay there.
LACIKA	You don’t know what you’re doing. You’ll wake up waist deep in cement.
ARON	Get off!
ILDIKO	Well, uh..
(She opens her front door.)
(She is going to invite him in, but changes her mind.)
ARON	Wicked fitted carpet. That is a very rare pattern.
ILDIKO	Perhaps another time you can take a closer look.
ARON	I’ll take a look now. I’ve got a first class honours degree in fitted carpets.
(Ildiko shuts the door in his face.)
(Lacika is waiting round the corner.)
ARON (cont’d) 	(Alone, loudly so Lacika hears) Forget it, Ildiko! I know you’re vulnerable right now, but you know I can’t come in, I like you a lot, but it’s late and we’re better off as friends, trust me, we are, don’t cry, don’t go crazy, please!
(Ildiko pops her head out the door and looks at him astonished.)

16.
(Street. Cash machine)
MONI	I’m sorry.
BRUNN	For what?
MONI	I stepped under your feet.
BRUNN	Don’t worry about it. We all make mistakes, we’re human at the end of the day.
MONI	I’m not so sure.
(pause)
BRUNN	You’ve very lucky you know, babe. I’m shading you from this brutal wind with my body. How unpleasant to stand in the brutal wind, but not for people who have people standing behind them, babe.
MONI	Since when can you call me babe?
BRUNN	I apologise, madam. You’re right. How lucky you are to queue in front of me, not so nice for others in the queue, but not for you madam, who is shaded from the wind, just unpleasant for others. (beat) Looks like rain. (beat) Are you going out with your girlfriends?
MONI	What do you mean?
BRUNN	You taking out money for a night on the razz?
MONI	Asshole, I’m takin out money for an abortion. If I have enough. Now you have all the frikkin information you need.
BRUNN	Oops.
MONI	Yes, oops.
BRUNN	I have bad luck with women.
MONI	I have bad luck with men.
BRUNN	So (beat) You’re pregnant.
MONI	Anything else you wanna know about me?
BRUNN	Wait a minute, don’t go away. Let me call you later after you’ve.... done your business.
MONI	The lights are on, but nobody home.
BRUNN	They’re home. I wanted you from the moment I first saw you. Thass why I trod on your toes.
MONI	He’s lost his mind, this fella!
BRUNN	I know you from Ildiko’s restaurant.
MONI	Pleased to meet you.
(Moni tries to buy canned beer from a machine.)
MONI (cont’d) 	This is a piece of crap. Got any shrapnel?
BRUNN	You’re related to Ildiko.
MONI	Distantly.
(Brunn tries to force the back of the machine open.)
BRUNN	Most of these are out of date.
MONI	Fuck the date, is it cold, thass the main thing.
BRUNN	No, no, no. You got to look after your health.
(He tries again.)
MONI	Do you need a hand?
BRUNN	I’ll manage.
(Moni kicks the machine.)
(Canned beer falls on Brunn.)
MONI	I think.... I think the beers came out.
BRUNN	Yep.
MONI	Any of them not out of date?
BRUNN	No.
MONI	Wait! I’ll have one. Want one too?
BRUNN	First off, I hate beer and I never drink it. Second, I’ve already had three.
(Brunn exits angry.)
MONI	Are you angry now?

17.
(The street)
LACIKA	Didn’t know you like beer. I reckon Aron musta got you hooked.
MONI	Tell me, do you think I can’t make up my own mind about things?
LACIKA	You selling a car or something?
MONI	That’s why I called you.
LACIKA	Let’s make this perfectly clear. The car is not yours, you’re just selling it.
MONI	If I’m selling it, then it’s mine. Where is he?
LACIKA	Who?
MONI	Aron. I called him and all.
LACIKA	Aron? Have you lost your mind?
MONI	He sez the two a you buy stolen cars.
LACIKA	Bloody shame. Big mistake.
MONI	Why? Isn’t he involved?
LACIKA	Yes, he is, but I’m the brains of the operation.
MONI	Did you bring a deposit?
LACIKA	Don’t worry! What if I don’t buy it?
MONI	You’ll buy it cause you’ll like it.
LACIKA	You guys were pretty much wrapped up in each other’s arms the other day.
MONI	With Aron? He just asked me to the pictures.
LACIKA	Did you go?
MONI	Course not.
LACIKA	He wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a woman, even if you gave him an instruction manual.
MONI	You’re sayin this cause I didn’t go to the lido.
LACIKA	I called you after, but no answer.
MONI	We’ve been in Morocco.
LACIKA	You don’t have to emigrate, it’s enough just to say no.
MONI	You don’t quit, do you?
LACIKA	Really? Do you mean you don’t like me pushing up on you?
MONI	If I wanted to put it mildly, thass how I’d put it.
LACIKA	I feel ashamed. I don’t dare look in your eyes.
MONI	Please dare. Right now you’re looking at my tits.
LACIKA	Oh, sorry. Didn’t notice them there. Well, congratulations, nice to know you’ve got a pair.
MONI	That s’posed to be funny?
(Moni throws away her beer.)
MONI (cont’d) 	Come on then. Take a peek.
LACIKA	Take a peek at what?
MONI	Take a peek at the car, dummy! It’s two stops on the tube.
LACIKA	I’ve told you, I’ve got to wait.
MONI	Aron can look another time, let’s go.
LACIKA	Did I mention you have to take it to a garage?
MONI	I’m not going to drive it again.
LACIKA	Ah. Problem. My licence has expired.
MONI	Not my problem, your problem. I don’t get you. If the motor’s stolen, it doesn’t exactly matter if you got a licence or not.
LACIKA	To be honest I never had a licence.
MONI	Not my problem, your problem. Are you up for this or what?
LACIKA	I told you, didn’t I? Bring it to the garage and we’ll see.
MONI	If not?
LACIKA	Not my problem, your problem.
MONI	Where is this fool? I got a kid to feed.
LACIKA	I never knew you got kids. Kids love me. They adore me. They’re nuts for me. And I’m the champ in any role, Father Christmas, The Snow Fairy, I’m the dog’s bollocks, snow fairy’s my star part, Halloween, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... Did I mention Father Christmas?
MONI	I bet you don’t have the money with you. When you have the money, gimme a ring.
LACIKA	Do you take American Express?
MONI	You know what? Kiss my arse.
LACIKA	Love to! My number is in the phonebook.

18.
(The street)
ARON	Has she gone?
LACIKA	Yep. What could I do? The minute she heard you were coming, she exploded and left. Couldn’t keep her here. I’ll ring her tonight, then tomorrow I’ll check out her car. No rush.
ARON	You know what, forget her.
LACIKA	What do you want, mate? What the backside are you talking about? You can see that I’m good for her.
ARON	I want her.
LACIKA	Your problem, not my problem. You won’t get to ease up in those drawers. Ever. Hear what I said? Never ever ever.
ARON	Listen, I don’t want it for free. Been chasing her for a year now. 10,000 florints cash in hand if you disappear from her life.
(pause)
LACIKA	You serious?
ARON	S’what I said.
LACIKA	Plus VAT?
ARON	Plus VAT.
LACIKA	Do you need an invoice?
ARON	Are you retarded? Course I need an invoice. What would I tell my dad? That I forgot to ask for an invoice? My accountant can tell me how to claim it back. Do you have any idea?
(Aron dials on his mobile.)
ARON (cont’d)	No problem I’ll ring him in the evening, he’ll think a something. My accountant is so sharp they get the DT’s at the Tax Office. You’d cry if you saw my tax form. I’ll lend it to you. You’ll cry.

19.
(Luxurious flat)
ILDIKO	Your child is crying.
MONI	I can’t help her. I don’t know how.
ILDIKO	Go to her, Moni.
MONI	My name is Anke.
ILDIKO	Thass some foolishness from your Grandma. Your name is Moni.
MONI	I’ll find her.
ILDIKO	She’s next door.
MONI	Not the kid. My mother.
ILDIKO	We’ve gone over this already.
MONI	She’s in Columbia. Or Venezuela. She’s been running a guesthouse for fifteen years.
(pause)
ILDIKO	Moni... You and I both know she’s probably dead.
MONI	No. Not true. She rang me every Christmas when I was a kid.
ILDIKO	It was a friend of mine. I made her ring you. Stupid of me, I know.
MONI	You’re all liars. I’ll find her. I’ll fly there and find her.
ILDIKO	And you want to ask me for money too?
MONI	I have my own money, thank you.
ILDIKO	Don’t lie. You’re brassick.
MONI	Only one liar here and that’s you. Why you looking at me like that? If you got something to say, say it.
ILDIKO	Nothing. I’ve only been watching you.

20.
(In front of a shop.)
(The boys are sitting on one big bag each, deep into a game of chess.)
ARON	I don’t like all these people staring at us.
LACIKA	He’ll be here in a minute.
ARON	Make a move.
LACIKA	Wait. I’m having a think. Don’t sweat it. Which colour am I?
ARON	Black.
LACIKA	Black depresses me.
ARON	Your old man still in Germany?
LACIKA	What do you wanna know for? This piece has no head! Do you chew on them or something?
ARON	How long since he pushed up? Seven, eight, or even ten years? I feel for your mum. He ain’t coming back.
LACIKA	Worry about your own mum, ok? Understand? And it’s only been five years since he pushed up.
ARON	Oi! Put that back on the board!
LACIKA	You think I was cheating? The thing just fell off, nothing to do with me. I was just going to put it back . You really thought I was cheating? Look at this face.
ARON	Shutchour mouth.
LACIKA	Why am I even talking to a bishop-eating dickhead?
ARON	Chill. Focus. You’re about to be obliterated.
LACIKA	Sitting on radios hurts my ass.
ARON	Stop bitching. I’m sitting on this grille and it’s put a pattern on my arse.
LACIKA	This guy ever gonna show? I’m slowly turning to stone.
ARON	Whass your dad been doing in Germany for five years?
LACIKA	Building site.
ARON	What’s he been doing in a building site for five years ?
LACIKA	Setting up iron bars for reinforced concrete.
ARON	I’d go nuts if I had to set up iron bars on a building site for five years.
LACIKA	I hope he never comes home. Fucker used to batter me when I was a kid.
ARON	So fucking what? No big deal.
LACIKA	It’s better if he stays the fuck away from me.
ARON	What a shame. I can understand it, though. He took a look at you, got disappointed and battered you. I’d do the same. Did you listen to his wisdom? Was your education any use? He takes his eye off you for a minute and you start boosting motors, shithead.
LACIKA	Who the fuck are you to say this to me?
ARON	Don’t matter what you do. All the girls go on the game and guys like you become lowlife thieves.
LACIKA	Are you really saying this to me ? You can’t be serious?
ARON	Check!
LACIKA	Anyone can say check.
ARON	But I’m saying it.
LACIKA	Then I’ll say it too. Check!
ARON	But my check is a real check, cause your king is in the shit. I could knock it over.
LACIKA	Knock it over then. It’s been a hassle from the beginning.
ARON	You can’t knock a king over.
LACIKA	Why can’t you when you can! You make me laugh. There you go, I’ve knocked him over myself. Now I can see the board so much clearer. Now that I can see the board, I think I’ll resign.
ARON	I can’t believe you sometimes! If I want shit from you, I’ll squeeze your head. Come on, let’s grab something.
LACIKA	What about the radios?
ARON	Bring them then! You wouldn’t think I’d leave twenty car stereos for a snake to steal them. You can’t trust anybody nowadays. Everyone steals, cheats, lies, the scumbags! Let’s grab something before it upsets me.
LACIKA	What about the grilles?
ARON	No one needs those. Let’s go munch two burger somewhere.
LACIKA	That’ll make your hair fall out.
ARON	What are you, a michelin guide?
LACIKA	I don’t want to lose my hair.

21.
(Same place)
(Three of them in the same place)
ARON	Finally!
LACIKA	There you go, s’what we talked about. And also...
SING-SONG	Ok. Wait a minute. My car’s been stolen. I’ll kill the fucker. How fuckin dare he? He don’t know who he’s dealing with. But his judgement day is nigh. If you hear anything around the manor... A blue Lancia, letter ‘M’ engraved into the windshield.
LACIKA	Double row of brake lights?
SING-SONG	Double row of brake lights, yes.
LACIKA	Split on the front bumper?
SING-SONG	Split on the front bumper, yes.
LACIKA	Scratch on the left back door?
SING-SONG	Scratch on the left back door yes. You seen it?
LACIKA	Nope. Have you?
ARON	I can’t even picture it.
LACIKA	I don’t think they have cars like that in this town.
(The boys put the bags full of stolen goods into the shop.)
SING-SONG	Wait here for me.
(Sing-Song goes into the shop.)
(The two of them)
LACIKA	I’ll kill her, that fucking bitch! I’ll kill her directly.
ARON	Fuck’s sakes stop with the swearing. Told you before.
LACIKA	I paid her with no questions asked.
ARON	The scheming little minx! Oh Christ on a bike, she’s skanked us!
LACIKA	What are you talking about, it was my money!
ARON	Your money, but my idea. You couldn’t do a thing without me, dickhead, you’re lost without me, in the abundance of water the fool is thirsty and that makes you a thirsty fool.
LACIKA	It was a very good idea, I’ll give you that.
(Sing-Song enters and pays them.)
SING-SONG	Now piss off.
(The boys smile gratefully.)
(Sing-Song exits.)
LACIKA	I’ll kill her, I’ll kill her, I’ll kill her! What did she need the money for?
ARON	Plane ticket. You told her you liked her two new suitcases.
LACIKA	I’ll send her to South America in her two frikkin suitcases.

22.
(Luxurious flat)
(Ildiko and Moni)	
ILDIKO	Don’t let him drink too much coffee. No sugar, but be sure to pour the milk first, and remember he hates cream. If you already made the coffee, heat it up, but careful not to boil it, otherwise it goes bitter. And don’t put any sugar in it, or have I said that before?
MONI	I only...
ILDIKO	Oh yes, the sex. Try not to feel anything and do what he tells you to do in the sack, even if you’re pissed off at him. Though, I think you may have your own experiences in this area.
MONI	I should never have come. I didn’t want to meet you.
ILDIKO	It wasn’t you who wanted it, it was me who wanted it, sweetheart. Sing-Song ran through it for me. All of it.
(Moni packs her clothes.)
MONI	Him and me.... we are not an item. I was with him once then he kicked me to the kerb.
ILDIKO	You’ll be together, soon. He got separated, owing to his conscience, he suffers a while because he’s weak, and also because he enjoys a good suffer. Where was I? Oh yeah, in the sack. It’s fair to say he’s not gentle. You probly already know it hurts. Now listen to me...
(Ildiko has been packing for Moni.)
MONI	I thought you wanted to say something else.
ILDIKO	What else would I say?

23.
(Run down flat)
(Doorbell rings. Moni opens the door.)
LACIKA	You stole Sing-Song’s car?
MONI	I just had to go in the bistro for the car keys.
LACIKA	Did you steal it?
MONI	I just told you.
LACIKA	I must be tripping. She stole Sing-Song’s car. You hearing this?
ARON	Let’s focus on what to do with it now.
LACIKA	Obviously we have to strip it down. What am I saying? I’ll kill you, you hear?
ARON	Moni, did you hear what he just said?
MONI	Want me to strip it down now and all?
ARON	Where you going?
MONI	Don’t you touch that bag!
LACIKA	See! She’s been sitting on a suitcase. Going on a little cruise, darling?
MONI	Fuck off!
LACIKA	Maybe she’s on the rag. That’s why she’s so jumpy. Wouldn’t you be jumpy if you were her?
ARON	Now that you mention it, I most probably would.
LACIKA	You fucked us over, you little fuck.
MONI	You’ll get your money back, but not now, alright?
LACIKA	You fucked us over and you’re gonna pay.
MONI	Aron...
ARON	I honestly think you’d be better off postponing your trip.
LACIKA	How didgy you are! Had a row with your old dear?
MONI	She’s not my old dear. She’s nothing to me.
LACIKA	Now that you bring it up, I’m didgy too.
ARON	Moni, you’ll have to sell that plane ticket.
MONI	Non-refundable. I can’t sell it.
LACIKA	I’d get it done if I were you.
MONI	Let me go.
(Lacika laughs hysterically then suddenly stops.)
LACIKA	You hearing all this? You gimme joke. (menacingly) You’d better get that refund. Whose car did you sell us? Sing-Song’s prowling through the whole town, rang all the second hand car dealers, and I’ve hid it in a moody lock-up next door, which anyone can discover like that (snaps fingers), and you reckon we’re gonna let you slip through our fingers?
ARON	I got it. She’ll return the car. And then she’ll pay the money back to you sometime.
MONI	I don’t want to take it back.
LACIKA	Not bad thinking at all.
MONI	I don’t want to take it back.
LACIKA	You have to.
MONI	And then will you let me go ?
ARON	Yes. Soon as you take his car back.
MONI	I’ll miss my plane.
ARON	You’ll make it in time.
MONI	How am I gonna make it, you mug?
LACIKA	How she gonna make it?
ARON	We should give her a hand. We are human beings too, at the end of the day.
(Moni is crying.)
(Aron gestures her to be silent, then makes a phone call.)
ARON (cont’d) 	Airport? Who are you? Ok, ok, I’ve got something important to say. I’d like to inform you of an incendiary device at the airport. A bomb. A bomb. That’s right, a bomb. Have a look in the corner. The left one, thass right. Best to hurry it up a notch. (hangs up) Piece a piss. Works every time I’m running late.
LACIKA	I hope you realise you’re fucked.
MONI	Why?
LACIKA	You don’t know them. They’ll find out who did it. They’ll grill you to death.
MONI	They’ve already done that.
LACIKA	You?
MONI	The one-word ape Brull, whatever. He said I must have seen dodgy characters sniffing around the coats.
LACIKA	Iss juss their nature to be heartless.
MONI	So, I had to say something. They didn’t believe that I’d seen nobody. Really sorry but the first name sprung into my head was yours.
LACIKA	Them geezas ain’t polite when they’re backed into a corner. (pause) What?
MONI	I gave them your name, because nobody knows you.
LACIKA	Holy shit!
MONI	They had to figure out who you were anyway.
LACIKA	I’m a goner, I’m a goner! I’m a walking corpse! I’m a dead man!

24.
(Same)
LACIKA	Oh my god, I’ve stolen the mafia’s car!
ARON	Easy, Lacika. Wait til sundown, we’ll sneak to the car park, strip down the motor, flog as much as we can, then disappear. You first.
LACIKA	Jesus Mary please forgive our trespasses as we trespass on those who forgive us...
ARON	What the fuck you doing?
LACIKA	I’m praying.
ARON	Way too late for that. You’re a dead man walking.
LACIKA	JesusMary!
ARON	Wasting your time. Better if you hang yourself.
LACIKA	JesusMary JesusMaryJesusMary!
ARON	Repeat after me; I’m a dead man, I’m a dead man. So you have time to get used to it.
LACIKA	I can’t!
ARON	Practise then. The meditation will help when they nail your fingers to the floorboards.
LACIKA	I’m a dead man.
ARON	Don’t shout. I’m watching telly.
LACIKA	I’m a dead man. I’ve already died.

25.
(The street)
(Two of them in the street. Aron is carrying beer cans.)
ARON	But it’s in the car park!
LACIKA	I know.
ARON	And you were too chicken to pick it up from there.
LACIKA	What am I supposed to say? Excuse me, let me take the blue Lancia, it belongs to the mafia? There’s a battalion of cops around it, you fuckin neek.
ARON	Did you send Moni to pick it up, then?
LACIKA	She should be so lucky. She took it there, she should go get it. Then we snatch the loot and dust out.
ARON	You’ve lost your mind, no doubt. She ain’t coming back!
(pause)
LACIKA	Do you think so?
(Moni enters.)
MONI	Whassup, whatchou lot watching me for? Let’s go, I drove it somewhere safe.

26.
(Restaurant)
(Two of them in the restaurant)
SING-SONG	I gotta say I’m disappointed. It’s not a negligible detail. You should have told me at the beginning there might be a problem. You got me worried.
POLICEMAN	No worries, mate, I promise.
SING-SONG	When will I get back what belongs to me?
POLICEMAN	We’ll sort it.
SING-SONG	(calmly) No, no, no. I’m still worrying.
POLICEMAN	Three of the boys are working on the stolen car’s cases.
SING-SONG	That’s not my concern.
POLICEMAN	Slight problem, though. If someone else from the police come, then I’m fucked.
SING-SONG	Life’s a bitch.
POLICEMAN	If I’m fucked, then you’re fucked. If you see other coppers there, you are in deep doo-doo.
SING-SONG	Are you threatening me?
POLICEMAN	We can sort it, but it won’t be easy. And it will cost you extra.
SING-SONG	You already settled on a price.
POLICEMAN	That’s in the past.
SING-SONG	You came out with an offer and I accepted it.
POLICEMAN	This amount won’t get it done. It can be done, but not for this amount.
SING-SONG	You wanna different solution?
POLICEMAN	Sort it if you think you’re capable.
(Sing-song gestures to Brunn, who has a gun.)
POLICEMAN (cont’d) 	Holy shit! You got a deal!
SING-SONG	You have twenty four hours to get back what belongs to me.
(The Policeman, pale as a ghost, disappears.)

27.
(Int. Street)
(Two of them in the evening in the street.)
ARON	Can you manage?
MONI	The carburettor’s fucked.
ARON	Well done.
MONI	Just because I’m a woman. I can mend a carburettor.
ARON	Most probly can. But this is a water-pump.
MONI	(confidently) May well be. But when I started it was a carburettor.
(Aron works on the car.)
MONI (cont’d)	I’m coming to the conclusion the world is full of rats. Ain’t never getting married. Hardest thing in the world is to find a guy that’s not a prick. But even when you find one, his secretary’s gonna steal him. Then you need a lawyer to make him see what a nasty asshole he’s been. But the hardest thing is to find a decent man, secretary or no secretary. Because they’re either such idiots that they can’t tie their own laces, or they treat you real sweet and then turn out to be gay. My theory is that all the good ones will turn gay, because they’ll get fed up with the women. Can’t say I blame them.
ARON	Am I stealing this car or you?
MONI	Me, of course.
ARON	Then why am I stealing it?
MONI	You’re better at it.

28.
(Street)
(Two of them in the same place. Lacika enters, zipping up his flies.)
LACIKA	Moni?
ARON	I made her get some beer, to stop her being such a feminist.
LACIKA	Nice one. Bitch. (beat) What’s a feminist?
ARON	It means she’s a good shag, idiot.
LACIKA	See the difference a good education makes. No, really, I mean it. The big words breed success. In this day and age only an ignorant zombie would ask ‘You wanna drink’ instead of ‘Are you a feminist?’
ARON	Hold that torch, fuck’s sakes.
LACIKA	I could do with a nice juicy feminist for a night. I’d love one.
(They lie out the engine together, groaning.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	I saw the world’s greatest film last Tuesday. One of the teachers screened it in the assembly room. It was all about venereal diseases. Blew my fuckin mind, it did.
ARON	Our school showed a film every year about how to fuck and stuff. First time I saw it, primary school, I thought, well sex is a tough job. It looked like a surgical operation. Then questions with the teacher, and one doctor bird, but her tits were so flat, I didn’t bother with questions ‘cause I thought there’s no way she could have a clue about sex. Went like this for years and years. That moron Ferike went on about a guy who got VD and lost his dick in a horror-porn movie, but she had nothing to say on this at all. I reckon she weren’t even a doctor, or if she was one, she didn’t learn fuckall at the university.
LACIKA	That’s why I wouldn’t be a woman.
ARON	Why?
LACIKA	They have periods.
ARON	That’s just them bitching.
LACIKA	Ok, but giving birth is not a dinner party.
ARON	They just make a big deal about it! I was given birth to, and it wasn’t a big deal.
LACIKA	I was born with a ceasarean.
ARON	And? What was it like?
LACIKA	No big deal.

29.
(Street)
(Aron and Moni dismantling a car.)
(Policeman pulls up next to them on a motorbike.)
POLICEMAN	Morning. Wanna tell me why you’re dismantling this car?
ARON	That bike is heavy, geez!
POLICEMAN	Well? I’m all ears.
ARON	It’s my mate’s car. He asked me if I had time to take it apart.
POLICEMAN	I see. Did he also ask you to take a hammer to his shock absorber?
ARON	By specific request.
POLICEMAN	Fascinating. Papers, please.
ARON	It’s not worth the looking, mate.
POLICEMAN	Papers, please.
ARON	My mate’s got ‘em.
POLICEMAN	Your ID, please.
ARON	Also with my friend. I find it’s better to keep everything in one place, don’t you?
(Enter Lacika.)
LACIKA	Is there a problem, officer?
POLICEMAN	Are you this kid’s friend?
LACIKA	We’re on exceptionally good terms.
POLICEMAN	Is this your car, sir?
LACIKA	Of course, yes.
POLICEMAN	Documents, please.
LACIKA	That bike is heavy, geez!
POLICEMAN	Documents, please.
LACIKA	Aron, do you have them?
ARON	No, you have them.
LACIKA	Oh yeah, I do have ‘em! This is a work of art, this bike! What’s the top speed? When you really open her up?
ARON	Lacika, don’t keep the gentleman waiting, I’m sure he has lot to do.
MONI	I got nothin to do with this lot. I was just passing through.
POLICEMAN	But spare a moment with us, please.
LACIKA	Can I have a go on the bike?
POLICEMAN	(into his walkie-talkie) 2-10-4. Send a car. Ujlak Street, behind the tower blocks. At the garages. I said Ujlak Street.
LACIKA	This is Szent Kristof Street.
ARON	Shut up, the officer knows it better than you.
POLICEMAN	Hands on the bonnet.
LACIKA	There’s no bonnet left. Where have you put the bonnet?
ARON	It’s in the corner.
POLICEMAN	Where are you going?
LACIKA	To the corner, for the bonnet.
POLICEMAN	On the floor! Quick!
LACIKA	On my back or my stomach?
ARON	I hate to interrupt you, but someone is speaking on your walkie-speakie.
POLICEMAN	(into walkie-talkie) I don’t know the number. Ujlak Street.
LACIKA	Szent Kristof street.
ARON	I wanna bike like this!
POLICEMAN	I said on the floor!
LACIKA	How come she doesn’t have to lie on the floor?
(Lacika lies down on his back with a big fuss.)
POLICEMAN	You too.
MONI	My clothes will get all dirty. Don’t you care about that?
POLICEMAN	Get down!
MONI	Are you gonna pay my laundry bill?
POLICEMAN	You. Open the boot.
LACIKA	Me?
ARON	Why are you looking at me now?
POLICEMAN	Why? It’s your car. Open the boot.
(Lacika opens the boot. They all look inside.)
(pause)
ARON	Oh shit! Thass all we need!
(Moni slams the boot on the policeman’s hands. Policeman screams in pain.)
(Aron grabs a bag and runs away with Moni. Lacika is caught by the Policeman.)
LACIKA	I don’t know them, I never seen them before in my life, I was just walking along, walking my dog, popped out for a paper.
(Policeman waggles his fingers in pain.)
POLICEMAN	Shut it. Hands on the car. Spread your legs. (into walkie-talkie) No, no, two got away. Yes, sir.
LACIKA	How could I be such a prick?
POLICEMAN	(walkie talkie) How can you be such a prick, I told you Ujlak Street.
LACIKA	Szent Kristof Street.
POLICEMAN	(walkie-talkie) Shut up, you don’t even have a dog!
LACIKA	I really am a prick!

ACT TWO
30.
(Police station)
(At the police station, Lacika alone, then two.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	(into phone) I got your number from the classifieds. Yes... And it’s a full service? You and another girl? Truly? That’s what it says in the ads. We can only do it over the phone? How about a one to one face to face? Come on, love, don’t be so bashful.
(Enter Policeman In his panic, Lacika puts his burning cigarette in his jacket pocket.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	No, it’s just a busy place. Hang on a sec.
(Lacika puts the receiver to one side.)
POLICEMAN	(to someone offstage) I’ll kick him in his ass. When does he wanna meet me, then? I should have gone home three hours ago. (to Lacika) Where had we got to? You say you don’t know Sing-Song?
LACIKA	I can’t sing.
POLICEMAN	Don’t fuck me around!
LACIKA	Don’t know it, could you sing the first line?
POLICEMAN	Shut it. You are in the deepest shit. It’d be better for you if you stop now, don’t wait for me to stop you. Do you know this Sing-Song man?
LACIKA	Never heard of him.
POLICEMAN	Never? I bet!
LACIKA	Me? Never.
POLICEMAN	But you’ve been hittin his car with a hammer.
LACIKA	I didn’t. I don’t even know what a hammer is.
POLICEMAN	See, what a comedian you are! When your act closes, I’ll be overecstatic! Sign here. But read it first. What a funny geezer you are today. You roll into this case like a hedgehog in chewing gum, but you’re still cracking jokes. It amazes me. Read it, I said.
LACIKA	I trust you, colonel.
POLICEMAN	Captain.
LACIKA	Then where is your ship?
POLICEMAN	That’s enough!
(Policeman slaps him in the face.)
POLICEMAN (cont’d) 	I can’t believe you still wanna make stupid jokes. Did you see what was in the boot?
LACIKA	(gingerly touching his face) You should have become a colonel at least.
POLICEMAN	Or I could put you in cell two for a night, they’ve ordered your type for tonight. Have you signed it? You can leave now. For the time being.
LACIKA	Can I go?
POLICEMAN	You will turn into a beautiful woman by the morning. See me ten o’clock on Wednesday to answer more questions. Sign it here, say that you got the summons.
(Policeman picks up the receiver.)
POLICEMAN (cont’d) 	Who are you wanting to speak to? Your name is Aniela? What?
(Lacika exits.)

31.
(Restaurant)
ILDIKO	Why couldn’t he come himself?
BRUNN	He told me to bring the books. That’s all he said.
ILDIKO	He owns the restaurant. I work for him. Moni works for him. He can come whenever.
BRUNN	Moni doesn’t live with him anymore.
ILDIKO	I was surprised that it lasted that long. He used to cheat on me with a totally different class of chick, anorexic model types in Prada dresses that smelt of vomit. But you learn how to cope when you get to my age. One morning I’m looking in the mirror saying, God I’m already 33, and while I’m brooding about that, I’m suddenly 43.
BRUNN	To be honest, he told me to ask you something. I’m supposed to watch you and tell him what kind of mood you were in. He’d love to meet you another time when you didn’t have to talk about accounting. What do you say?
ILDIKO	No way.

32.
(Pharmacy)
MRS. MOLNAR	Are you sure this is for you, young man? This is an extraordinarily powerful sedative.
LACIKA	I’m extraordinarily nervous.
MRS. MOLNAR	If taken in this high dosage, it can cause several side effects, including hallucination. I’m not sure what to do.
LACIKA	You can’t imagine how much I suffer with it. This is my punishment. But we all have to suffer.
MRS. MOLNAR	There’s another problem though. Only a specialist can prescribe this pill. And this is only a family doctor’s stamp. Would you mind if I check the prescription?
LACIKA	Don’t bother, I’ll take it somewhere else, then.
MRS. MOLNAR	It’s not a problem, it’s only a phone call.
(Lacika tries to retrieve the prescription from her hand.)
LACIKA	Forget about it, it’s not important.
MRS. MOLNAR	You must understand that I can’t give this back to you.
(Lacika retrieves it by force.)
(On his way out he quickly snatches a handful of pills from the counter.)

33.
(Street-corner)
(Alone on a street-corner)
(Lacika throws the pills one by one in a frenzy.)
LACIKA	Vitamin C! Vitamin C! Fuck your mothers you bloody motherfuckers! You kill people with this junk, you rats! Everybody is poisoned! Even the little newborn little babies are Vitamin C addicted! You corrupt drug peddling gangsters! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! We’re sitting on a shitload of first class dope and I can’t get any! Where did they go? Life is bitch on her period! (composes himself) I need to get hold of some money from somewhere somehow.

34.
(Street)
(Two of them in the street, later three.)
(A fragile elderly lady with a daschund walks past.)
LACIKA	Excuse me, lady. Do you need some help? Shall I carry your bag?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Leave me alone.
LACIKA	Would you like to buy some vitamin C?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Please go away, young man.
LACIKA	First class vitamin C from Pakistan.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Don’t molest me, pretty please.
LACIKA	Don’t you want to buy anything? I sell first class A things only. And I can get anything on request.
(She ignores him)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	(to the dashund) Kitty Kitty Kitty.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	If I were you I wouldn’t antagonise him. Most mornings I find human remains in his turds.
(Lacika snatches the bag and tries to run away with it. The elderly lady fights with him desperately.)
(Enter Policeman)
POLICEMAN	Hello hello hello, what’s going on here then?
LACIKA	This woman tried to mug me! I’ve never seen the like! These people nowadays have no morals! The world has gone insane!

35.
(Restaurant)
(Two of them, later three.)
ARON	If you don’t want it, just say so.
MONI	And what would you say if I told you I don’t want it?
ARON	Fine. No worries. Forget it.
MONI	But that’s not what I said!
ARON	I’m not cross. I understand you.
MONI	(seductively) When I look at you like this, what do you think I’m thinking?
ARON	Frankly, I’ve given this quite a bit of thought.
MONI	That I want you to kiss me.
ARON	Seen.
MONI	So what you waiting on?
ARON	You mean, now?
MONI	Are we waiting for a third party?
ARON	I can’t do it on demand.
MONI	So how can you do it?
ARON	Spontaneously.
MONI	Then do it spontaneously.
(Aron begins to do sit-ups.)
MONI (cont’d) 	What are you doing now, for God’s sake?
ARON	Sit-ups.
MONI	Why now?
ARON	Thought it would turn you on. Hang on, there’s someone outside.
(Lacika appears)
ARON (cont’d) 	We’re closed.
LACIKA	I’ve been grilled for three hours at the police station I’m not in the mood for foolishness.
MONI	You still shouldn’t rap like this on the window.
LACIKA	I like rapping. Where’s the bag?
(Aron unpacks small plastic bags from the bag.)
(Lacika gasps and words stick in his throat.)
MONI	You can’t keep this here. You better duss out and take that shit with you.

36.
(Brunn is giving a professional massage to Sing-Song)
SING-SONG	We’ve got to talk to these kids. Their minds are pickled in puberty and it makes them confused. What can you do, it’s genetic. But this time they’ve overstepped a little.
BRUNN	A little! I said this for the past hundred years, bring back hanging. If you get rid of criminals, you’ll get rid of crime.
SING-SONG	So, they rang us?
BRUNN	Yes. They have our charlie with them. They want us to buy it back from them. How’s this massage, not too painful?
SING-SONG	Clever little fuckers! Quite moving, really. I’ll leave this to you, but no unnecessaries, alright? One of them used to work for Ildiko, she quite likes them. Make them understand that I am not buying back what already belongs to me. And when you come back, step into the pizza joint and find out what they put in my pizza today. It tasted like camel shit. Inedible! Oy, that hurts.
BRUNN	I did ask.

37.
(Parish church)
(In the church, the three of them.)
ARON	Is this the church of the dreaming heart?
FATHER LUKACS	Praise be to the lord! The church of the redeeming heart, yes. What would you like, my son?
ARON	I’d like to confess.
LACIKA	(whispering) Tell him you got car radios a tenner each.
FATHER LUKACS	Can’t take confession at this time of day. Are you troubled, my son?
ARON	You could say so.
FATHER LUKACS	When was your last confession?
ARON	The truth is that my family are protestant.
FATHER LUKACS	Well, it would be a bit difficult to confess then.
LACIKA	Isn’t he allowed?
FATHER LUKACS	Sadly no.
LACIKA	What’s this bloody favouritism? Other people are allowed but not us, then? I don’t believe this, for real. Ain’t coming here again.
FATHER LUKACS	What’s troubling you?
LACIKA	(whisper) Radio, radio.
ARON	Father, do you have a car?
FATHER LUKACS	The parish church has got one.
ARON	Would you like to buy a car radio for it?
FATHER LUKACS	I don’t think so. Are you flogging car radios, my child?
ARON	Buy one, father, they’re proper heavy.
FATHER LUKACS	Thank you, no, I don’t need one.
LACIKA	I knew it, I would have laid money on this. If that piece of junk was my car, I wouldn’t buy a stereo either, no doubt. The rust is the only thing holding it together. Father, you’ll never ever be able to pull the nuns with that shitty motor, you can lyrix them strong and they’ll still laugh at you. Let’s go. The pope won’t let him have a decent stereo for his motor.
(Lacika exits.)
ARON	Forgive him, father. Religion is not his forte, plus he’s bit highly-strung lately.
(Outside.)
ARON (cont’d) 	Have you gone potty? You’ve lost your mind. I was just about to soften him up. He could have bought two or three. What a fishhead you are!
LACIKA	Who cares what you wanted. The main thing is that I’ve hidden the gear in the geeza’s cupboard.
ARON	What cupboard?
LACIKA	Between some sort of books.
ARON	Most probly Bibles.
LACIKA	Most probly was.
ARON	Gimme the key.
LACIKA	Safer with me.
ARON	Oh yeah. That’d be like leaving a goat to tend to my cabbage.
LACIKA	We haven’t tried it yet, to see what dope it is.
ARON	You’re not going to, either!
LACIKA	Hey, has the Bible got music in it?
ARON	Music?
LACIKA	Each of the Bibles had sheet-music in it.
ARON	Hopefully, people don’t feel like singing round here.

38.
(Confessional)
FATHER LUKACS	I can’t hear you, talk louder! Have you got a light?
MONI	I don’t know what to do, Father.
FATHER LUKACS	Did you love him?
MONI	Yes. A lot. I think.
FATHER LUKACS	But not anymore?
MONI	I don’t know.
FATHER LUKACS	And what about him? Does he still love you?
MONI	I don’t think so.
FATHER LUKACS	Every life is precious, my child. Do you remember the Fifth Commandment?
MONI	I think so. I’m almost certain. Would you clarify it for me, please?
FATHER LUKACS	My brain is not an archive! This is about your child. Your future child, my child.
MONI	(softly) I’m so worried, father.
FATHER LUKACS	I can’t hear you. Speak up.
MONI	(even softer) I’m so worried.
FATHER LUKACS	Ten Hail Marys, then. Haven’t got an ashtray, have you?
(He puts out his cigarette.)

39.
(Run-down flat)
MONI	You just want me to give you a slap, and that’s all?
BRUNN	Don’t talk like a businesswoman.
MONI	What do you mean?
BRUNN	You sound cold.
MONI	(smiles sweetly) You just want to me to give you a slap, and that’s all?
BRUNN	With this strap..
MONI	Yes?
BRUNN	Hit me.
MONI	It will hurt you.
BRUNN	That’s the whole point.
MONI	You sure?
BRUNN	Yes. Sort of. Take off your blouse. (embarrassed) And your bra.
MONI	It’ll cost you extra.
BRUNN	Of course. Nothing in this world is free.
MONI	Am I naked enough now?
BRUNN	Yes. Now hit me.

40.
(One two one)
BRUNN	Establishing a company is like robbing a bank without cops. Mariusz is the master of it. It always impresses me when he says ‘Well, then... Let’s establish a company.’ It gives me goosebumps. Now you see I’m the trustee in his company. You need to know this, that’s how it works. One the day the cops raided a room where we’d been trying to get answers from a certain fellow who’d been giving us problems, and he’d already kissed goodbye to three of his fingernails. But our problems remained. There was Mura and his hammer, and the Bowski Twins, with a face that would make a pitbull shit himself. Next thing I know the police ask me ‘what you doing here?’ ‘Negotiating business’. ‘And who are you?’ ‘I’m Brunn, this is Golddust Ltd., a company registered in Liberia.’ Offshore company, beautiful, clean company, you’ve never seen a cleaner company than this’. I know a certain someone who if he has problems, he says well let’s establish a company, and this impresses me.. ‘And what does this company deal with? ‘They build and run casinos, lieutenant sir. We built and now run the Golddust Casino. There are 16 tables on the ground floor alone.’ Then the Big Bowski says ‘Yes, 16.’ But his words are wasted, because his face alone could get him ten years inside. Thank God Mura didn’t open his mouth, because he was hiding his hammer under the table. Then the police ask ‘And you, Mister Brunn, what do you do for this Limited Company?’ ‘I am a trustee.’ Then he asks Mura with the hammer ‘And you, sir?’ ‘I am trustee too’. Then he turns to the Bowski twins, wasting his time, they would freak out a pitbull ‘And you two?’ ‘We are trustees too, we deal with the trust.’ ‘And why is this gentleman’s hand bleeding?’ I’m sorry, I fell in the bathroom and hit my head’ But it’s your hand that’s bleeding’ ‘I’m sorry, I fell in the bathroom and hit my hand.’ ‘But it’s really bleeding. ‘I really hit it’. Then he asks me ‘Tell me sir, are you really a trustee?’ ‘Yes, sir, lieutenant sir.’ ‘And what is your job as a trustee?’ ‘I solve problems’ Well, That’s how it is.

41.
(Int. Family doctor’s surgery)
FATHER LUKACS	I could weep, I could truly weep, that...
DOCTOR	Breathe out.
(Father Lukacs sighs four or five times.)
DOCTOR (cont’d) 	One sigh will do.
FATHER LUKACS	That was my own private sigh.
DOCTOR	You smoke a lot, reverend.
FATHER LUKACS	I’m highly-strung at the moment.
DOCTOR	I only said you smoke a lot.
FATHER LUKACS	I’m moving flats.
DOCTOR	Do you eat properly ? What did you eat today?
FATHER LUKACS	Stewed lentils. 302 lentils precisely. I ate lunch at my mother’s.
DOCTOR	Do you count the lentils while eating them?
FATHER LUKACS	What else can I do when my mother’s talking?
DOCTOR	You can get dressed now.
FATHER LUKACS	I’m extremely nervous. We have choir rehearsal today and not one of those holy bags can sing a note.
DOCTOR	Well, have a good sing-along, then. I for one am irredeemably, fatally, tone deaf.

42.
(Int. Brunn is tied up with handcuffs and shackles.)
(Lacika bangs on the door.)
MONI	Don’t come in.
LACIKA	I don’t give a fuck about your story. Gimme my money directly right now.
MONI	Wait a sec. (to Brunn) Where’s your money?
BRUNN	I’ve already paid.
MONI	I need more.
BRUNN	We’ve agreed a price.
MONI	I need more.
(Lacika enters.)
LACIKA	I don’t believe this! What a fortuitous coincidence. How nice to meet you here! An old friend of mine. I love bumping into old friends.
(Moni gives him money.)
MONI	Now piss off.
LACIKA	No way. Right now? When things are getting exciting? What’s this?
MONI	You can see it’s a belt.
LACIKA	It’s rather like a ... strap. It’s nice, isn’t it?
BRUNN	(calmly) You’re gonna regret this.
LACIKA	Do you hear this? Do you hear this, babe? He’s threatening me, he’s threatening me. I can’t believe my ears, can you believe your ears, Anke?
MONI	It’s out of my hands, mate.
BRUNN	Both of you fuck off.
LACIKA	Now that I see you like this, I’m getting a few ideas of my own.
BRUNN	I wouldn’t recommend you gettin foolish.
MONI	Maybe you should fuck off.
LACIKA	What you going on about? You hearing this? He wants to recommend. Any other recommendations, Brunn? So what do you do with the strap?
BRUNN	Undo me, babe.
MONI	My Nan bought it for me from her package holiday in Croatia. Dubrovnik, Zagreb and all that.
LACIKA	Almost took my eye out. Not the most practical tool.
MONI	What do want from me? I’m doing this for him because I owe you.
BRUNN	Don’t get any foolish ideas, kiddo, unless you wanna be pissing blood.
LACIKA	You hearing this shit? You hearing this? It really gets me going... You’re turning me all the way on.
(He pinches Brunn’s cheek.)
MONI	Where’s Aron when you need him?
LACIKA	He went to church. I can’t leave him like this. I can’t. Did I get it right, you’ve got the money together then?

43.
(Int. Same place)
(Two of them. Moni unties Brunn.)
MONI	Its not my fault, Brunn.
BRUNN	They are gonna piss blood.
MONI	But you won’t hurt me, will you?
BRUNN	They’ll wish they were never born. I’ll get the Bowski Twins onto them. They’ll wish I’d cut their throats instead. Two little dirty little small timing scumbags. The Bowskis will get ‘em and we’ll run ‘em up to the sawmill.
MONI	Are you going to hurt me now?
(Brunn stares at her, thinking about what to do with the girl.)

44.
(Int. Parish church)
(Two of them.)
FATHER LUKACS	Mrs. Szabo. You’re early.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	This church is my heart. I rush here quick as I can. My hymn books are at the ready. Father Lukacs, singing in the choir is all I have to keep me alive. Are we going to practice the 151st psalm?
FATHER LUKACS	That’s going to be tricky.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	I know. It’s a difficult score.
FATHER LUKACS	True, a very difficult score mainly because there’s only 150 psalms.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	That’s why I love it here, there’s always something new to learn. Cup of tea, father?
FATHER LUKACS	Thank you.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	I’ve found some sort of sugar in the hymn book cupboard.
(They stir their teas.)
FATHER LUKACS	How has your day been, Mrs Szabo?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Just another day of fasting and sorrow.
FATHER LUKACS	I’m pleased to see you in such high spirits though.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	I’m sorry, Father, I was somehow overcome by laughter.
FATHER LUKACS	This tea’s a little bitter. Pass that sugar, please.
(They drink their teas.)
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	This world is full of suffering and torment, father.
FATHER LUKACS	Full. Full full full. To the brim.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	In short, the world is crap.
FATHER LUKACS	Indisputably, but what is to be done? This is the only world we live in.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Take today. I’m on the tube. As usual, not one empty seat. And those little rat people sit there and no one moves their arse. Do you know this feeling, Father?
FATHER LUKACS	Of course I do. We have to bear our suffrance with stoicism, my child.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	If I had a good automatic gun, I’d empty the whole chamber into one of those worthless kid’s heart. There’d be empty seats then.
FATHER LUKACS	There would, my child, there would.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	A semi-automatic would also get the job done.
FATHER LUKACS	Daydreaming is a waste of time, my child. We must bear our tribulations day by day.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Like hell! The world is full of selfish egotistical fools thinking about themselves and not thinking about me. What will become of our country? Why can I never sit down on the tube? Or the bus? Or hardly ever? Even if I do, you can bet a half-cretin old hag will get on and stare into my face willing me to get off. Why am I not allowed to be tired? Why is this a world of stupid wankers and morons, why Father, why?
FATHER LUKACS	I don’t have the foggiest, my child. These things are unfathomable and awesome.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	It’s tragic that there are so many bloody shit-bags walking this earth, and not everybody is as gentle and virtuous as you and me.
FATHER LUKACS	Yes, now that I think about it that really is a bloody shame!
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	You haven’t got a drop of brandy, have you?
FATHER LUKACS	‘Fraid not, darling.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	What’s that there?
FATHER LUKACS	Wine for the mass. Tastes like piss.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Shall we try it, then?
FATHER LUKACS	Someone’s coming.
(Enter Aron.)
ARON	Jesus Lord! Is this what you sweeten your tea with? You guys are absolutely wasted.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Bollocks are we wasted! The tea is shit. Not sweet enough.
ARON	Well, father, you’ve really coffee’d y’self up today.
(Aron exits, taking the plastic bags with him.)
FATHER LUKACS	PG tip’d myself up, excuse my language.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	The choir’s coming in half an hour. So get away til then. Do you think that maybe the sugar wasn’t sugar?
FATHER LUKACS	Errare humanum est.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	What did you say?
FATHER LUKACS	Doesn’t matter. My Latin is wasted on you.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	What is this insult now? It’s so hot over here my head will burst any minute.

45.
(Ext. Street)
(Two, in the street.)
ARON	You don’t even recognise the New Testament? How can you be such a mong?
LACIKA	Get off me with your New Testament.
ARON	Listen, you little prick, I’ll break it down for you.
LACIKA	Don’t break it down for me.
ARON	Maybe I should start with the Old Testament.
LACIKA	Holy shit...
ARON	Have ever heard of David and Goliath, for example?
LACIKA	Are you dumb? You asking me if I know David? The minute I sight David I’m knock him off like a blind man knocks off his glass. You asking me? Don’t wind me up. That fool lives on Rozsa Street, and if I see him, he’s going down for the count, but I dunno the other br’er.
ARON	You’re such a fool! So David lives on Rozsa Street?
LACIKA	Thass right, Rozsa Street, what the fuck you looking at me like that for?
ARON	In Rozsa Street.
LACIKA	Rozsa Street, of course, but I don’t know the other guy.
ARON	You don’t know him then?
LACIKA	Why? He says he knows me? Maybe who does, who gives a shit. I’m famous round these sides. Even the head of the criminal department knows me. He knows me, so what? Whass this bre’rs name again?
ARON	Forget about it.
LACIKA	Why? Don’t!
ARON	Goliath. Forget about it. He’s a literary character. He only exists in a book.
LACIKA	Really? You never said that before.
ARON	So Goliath beat this David.
LACIKA	I’ll beat him too.
ARON	Then he shot this Goliath guy, forget about all that, mate.
LACIKA	That was a different David.
ARON	When’s this guy coming anyways?
LACIKA	He won’t come here. We gotta link him in the gents. I reckon we’re already late.
ARON	And only now you tell me? I’m sweating in a stolen motor with 2K of charlie in it, I’m a bag of nerves and you casually drop that this is not where we link him?
LACIKA	Couldn’t get a word in, you kept banging on about the geeza from Rozsa Street who got shot.
ARON	I don’t believe this! Let’s go!
LACIKA	So now you reckon that we-
ARON	Let’s dust!
(The two of them leave.)

46.
(Int. Gentlemen’s toilets)
(Two in the gent’s)
LACIKA	I’m ok. Just this graffiti makes me didgy.
ARON	You’re sweating like a pig!
LACIKA	Worry about yourself.
ARON	What does it matter what’s on the walls? Look, the stupid fucker wants to be a clever prick. He’s mixed up the men’s bogs with the Taj Mahal, the asshole. Whassup with you, I’m enlightening you and you’re not even listening? I can see you’re freaking out, you flippin junkie fool.
LACIKA	Where is this guy?
ARON	We’re gonna be fucking rich. I can see myself as a fucking rich man.
LACIKA	We’ve got to get off and she’s not there.
ARON	I gotta say you look like a bag of shit. Soon those tiny brain cells will be all used up and you’ll find yourself in a jam without a brain.
LACIKA	I told you to mind your own business.
ARON	I’ll do the talking, alright?
LACIKA	No, I’ll do the talking.
ARON	It’s no biggie, we’ll go underground for a coupla days, then we’ll disappear. I dunno if I can trust you with this.
LACIKA	I’ll speak then. You can’t even tell the difference between this and icing sugar. This snake is late and I’m cold now.
ARON	You’re always ill cause you’re sniffing this shit.
LACIKA	I been clean for ages. Just today I feel poorly, can you get that in your brain?
ARON	We’ll lay low til the cops cool off.
LACIKA	Can’t you shut up even for one second?
ARON	Cause you’re sniffing this shit. If you were a decent man like me, you wouldn’t be sniffing it. You really are sweating, geez.
LACIKA	You’ve already informed me of this.
ARON	Wanna hear a joke? Why will women’s ID numbers start with 3 from next year?
LACIKA	Shut up.
ARON	Because the dolphins got promoted to number 2! Alright, I’ll tell you another one. How did the cannibal woman die? Her village bad-mouthed her! Y’get it? He village bad-mouthed her!
LACIKA	This wanker is late.

47.
(Int. Toilets)
(Same. Three of them)
(Sports bag on the floor-tiles. Sing-song is measuring a packet on a scale. Sing-Song dips coke on his finger and tastes it.)
SING-SONG	Someone has to try it now.
ARON	Why don’t you try it?
SING-SONG	Cause I ain’t a fool!
(Lacika opens a packet and does a line.)
LACIKA	This is decent, blood.
(Sing-Song reaches for the sports bag.)
(Lacika stops him.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	Wait wait wait. What about the dosh?
SING-SONG	It’s with me.
(Sing-song places a bag on the floor.)
(Lacika places the sports bag full of coke on the sink, then washes his hands. He dries his hands on the electric hand dryer on the wall.)
(Aron and Sing-Song jump to grab the bag in alarm. But it’s too late. The 2k of coke is blown away.)
(pause)
(Sing-Song is motionless, covered in the white powder from top to toe. He slowly takes off his sunglasses, which are totally white now).
(Aron and Lacika look at each other paralysed with fear.)
ARON	Now!
(They grab the bag with the money and run away.)

48.
(Int. Restaurant)
(Two customers. Moni enters, reading a trashy novel. The two women bump into each other, the book falls on the floor.)
ILDIKO	Sorry.
(Ildiko bends over to pick up the book.)
MONI	Leave it. (staring intently) Is it true what everyone’s saying?
ILDIKO	This novel looks interesting. Let me see. (reads) ‘Then the woman gently placed her lips around his pulsating...’
MONI	You’re a whore. Sing-Song told me all about you and him.
ILDIKO	This is really beautiful. It’s so romantic!
(Ildiko puts the book down.)
MONI	I feel dreadful, I think I’ve cried all day long.
ILDIKO	They’ve filled your head with rubbish.
MONI	You think that excuses what you’ve done?
ILDIKO	I’m waiting for someone. And I don’t want to talk to you.
MONI	I’ll never forgive you.
ILDIKO	I know you won’t.

49.
(Int. Police station)
(Two of them.)
POLICEMAN	We’re struggling to make any progress, madam. So, did you see this car?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Yes, my son, but when I saw it, it wasn’t blue.
POLICEMAN	I know this girl, it’s not her car.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	I don’t give a shit whose car it is. They were packing the gear into it, they were in a hurry. I always keep an eye on what’s happening on the street.
POLICEMAN	Do you live alone, madam?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Yes, kid. I’ve been alone ever since my cat committed suicide.
POLICEMAN	Do you wear glasses, madam?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	The hell I do!
POLICEMAN	How is your eyesight?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Like an eagle.
POLICEMAN	The reason I ask is the woman in question has a small car with a one-litre engine. It’s called Chrysler. It’s a very different make from the one you described. Do you realise that, madam?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	I’d love to see that.
POLICEMAN	How did it sound when they started the car?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Pretty good.
POLICEMAN	That’s useful testimony. All we know is you saw a non-blue car, with a pretty good voice. Anything else you want to add to your statement?
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Of course there is! You just never ask! This is a 4 cylinder, 24 valve aluminium engine, 220 horsepower, 18 inch light metal wheels, sonny, stainless steel double exhaust pipe, central divider, electronic TRC, stability check 4 wheel drive, cutting it short, it’s a Lancia City Cruiser. So you can go to hell, my son, with your one-liter mouse-lorry, the 4400 cubic centimetres, for sure. Are you getting all this down, prickface?
(pause)
POLICEMAN	Kindly desist from hitting my desk with a stick if you could, and it’s captain, please, madam.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	What’s this captain?
POLICEMAN	Captain is my rank.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Fine. Did you follow my flow captain prickface? I got a good look at it, because that hooker from the pizzeria was snoggin that starchy posh kid so hard that the 4 wheel drive nearly stalled. And then that flaccid ponce saw me and pointed his gun at me but I told him not to shoot. (beat) I didn’t want to die in a polyester jumper.
POLICEMAN	They were kissing? Intriguing. That puts a different light on the matter.
FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY	Too bloody right! Of course it does! They can’t get one by on the old Nanette!

50.
(Int. Doorway)
MONI	What do you want?
LACIKA	We need to hide.
MONI	And whass it gotta do wimme?
LACIKA	They won’t look here.
MONI	Why my place?
LACIKA	Hurry, for god’s sake! They’ll shoot us on your doorway til we look like a sieve.
MONI	No way. No enough space for both of you.
ARON	What then?
MONI	How am I s’posed to know? Draw lots.
LACIKA	Are you mad?
ARON	Leave it. It’s better to split up.
(He squeezes the bag into a drawer.)
ARON (cont’d) 	This can stay here. We’ll divvy it up when the manor cools down. Got matches?
(Moni takes two pieces and breaks on of them.)
LACIKA	This is mine.
MONI	Someone’s coming.
The boys turn, she quickly swaps the matches.
MONI (cont’d) 	(to Lacika) Sorry, bruv..
LACIKA	Fucking hell! Fucking hell! Where shall I go now?
MONI	Stop hitting the door.
LACIKA	Shit!
(He starts to leave.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	Couldn’t I please still stay?
ARON	It’s better if we split up.
LACIKA	Bollocks!
(He exits, then returns.)
(Locks the drawer and puts the key in his pocket.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	I’m having this. I’m not daft!
(Moni’s place)
ARON	Can I get a shower?
MONI	After will you wear that dress?
ARON	Oh. Uh... I was only looking at this and wondering if you were gonna to wear it tonight.
MONI	I think so.
(pause)
MONI (cont’d) 	So, you’ve moved out of your mum’s place?
ARON	Yup. Shoulda done it long time.
MONI	So you got your own drum? I’ll come and visit you one day.
ARON	That would make me happy. Especially if you bring some furniture with you.
MONI	(dreamily) It’s romantic to sit on a rug with a coffee mug in your hands.
ARON	Then you better bring coffee mugs and all.
MONI	Aron..
ARON	Yes?
MONI	No. Nothing.
ARON	What? What did you wanna ask?
MONI	It’s not important.
(pause)
ARON	So..
MONI	Yes?
ARON	So..
MONI	I’m listening.
ARON	I’m glad that it turned out this way.
MONI	What way?
ARON	Me staying.
MONI	I could care less which one a you stays. It woulda been better if you’d both had it on your toes.
ARON	I’ll try not get in your way. Your aunt ain’t still here, is she?
MONI	They moved with Barbra. Well, then..
ARON	Well, then...
MONI	You wanted to have a shower.
ARON	Oh yeah! Yeah.. Can you gimme a towel?
MONI	What? Oh yeah, course...
(She opens the wardrobe, he pushes her onto the bed from behind.)
MONI (cont’d) 	What the fuck? You gone mad or summink?
ARON	I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know whass come over me all of a sudden. Sorry.
MONI	You gone nuts? I hope you ain’t got the wrong idea about me lettin you stay here.
ARON	God forbid! I’m very grateful and...
(He heads towards the bathroom, tail between his legs.)
MONI	Aron?
ARON	Yes?
MONI	Towel?
ARON	Yeah, course, what a mug I am..
(She dramatically moves to the cupboard and chooses an outfit.)
MONI	Which one do you want?
ARON	Not fussed. Not fussed at all. That one.
MONI	This?
ARON	No. That one.
MONI	Take it then.
ARON	I can’t take this anymore.
(He hugs her.)
MONI	Leave meee.
ARON	Whatever you want.
(He holds onto her and switches off the lights.)
(She quickly arranges her hair in the mirror.)

51.
(Ext. Street)
LACIKA	Whatchou bringin me here for?
POLICEMAN	Shutchour mouth.
LACIKA	What are we waitin for?
POLICEMAN	We’re waiting for someone.
(pause)
(The penny drops, and Lacika understands.)
LACIKA	I don’t believe this! I don’t believe this! He’s grassed me up! I’m fuckin fartfaced! I been G’d up!
(Enter Brunn and Sing-Song)
POLICEMAN	Where you been?
LACIKA	You snake. We sat at the same school-bench and you sell me down the river. You’re not a copper, you’re a bloody gangster.
(Lacika and the Policeman are fighting.)
SING-SONG	(To Brunn) Hang back a moment. Little sweeties, ain’t they? I’ll wet myself. They mash up my Lancia, purloin my dough and mess things up with my bird. I’ve had it with this tuppence ha’penny crew.
(Brunn points the gun at Lacika. Sing-song holds the gun back.)
SING-SONG (cont’d) 	I’ve been cultivating my business for a decade. Ten years I’ve waited for the nod from Mariusz so I could stand on my own two feet and these two have fucked it up in a weekend. These three homos have fucked my shit up.
(Brunn lifts, then lowers his gun.)
BRUNN	I’m fucked off with hearing your bollocks.
SING-SONG	Whadjuh say?
BRUNN	I’ve had enough a your bullshit.
SING-SONG	Whass your problem?
BRUNN	I’m sick of your monologues, I’m sick of your singing, I’m sick of your face, and what makes you think I gotta give you a massage, thass fine for Mariusz, but you? I bring you pizza, massage your crappy back, run messages to your woman, get off me now. I’ve had enough of your shit! And you can forget about Moni.
SING-SONG	What are you waiting for now? Shoot the fucker!
(Sing-Song starts singing.)
BRUNN	I done toljuh already I can’t stand your singing, and step aside, your face is in the frame.
(Sing-Song sings with all his might.)
BRUNN (cont’d) 	You just sung your last song! Swallow this!
(He shoots Sing-Song several times.)
POLICEMAN	What’s going on? Why did you shoot him instead?
BRUNN	And you can swallow this and all.
(He shoots the policeman.)
(He aims at Lacika but the magazine is empty.)
LACIKA	No more bullets? (helpful concern) No more bullets?
BRUNN	No more bullets.
LACIKA	Have you shot ‘em all?
BRUNN	I’ve shot ‘em all.
LACIKA	And none left with you?
BRUNN	No, fuck it.
LACIKA	(apologetic) I don’t have any either.
BRUNN	Fuck it.
(pause)
LACIKA	It’s because your personality is unstable. I’ve seen it. I hate to say this, but how could you leave your home with just the one clip? I’m saying this to help. You’ve fallen apart, mate. (Lacika holds his own head in his hands.) You’ve completely fallen apart I’m saying this to help.

52.
(Int. Moni’s place)
(Moni and Aron in bed.)
ARON	Whatchou looking in the mirror all the time for?
MONI	Think I got a fat tongue?
ARON	I’m sure they caught him.
MONI	Who?
ARON	Lacika.
MONI	I bet he’s with his girl.
ARON	He ain’t got a girl.
MONI	Impossible. He keeps on about someone called Krisztina.
ARON	God almighty, she’s so butters I wouldn’t touch her with a barge-pole.
MONI	Could still be his girl. Maybe she has her secret charms.
ARON	She’s got a tattoo on her left tit.
MONI	And why is that good?
ARON	Dunno. Just a little scribble. A whassernames. When she breastfeeds, her baby’s gonna drink from a patterned teacup.
MONI	So you say she got a tattoo on her left tit?
ARON	A small one, yeah.
MONI	And exactly how is it that you know this?
ARON	Shit.
(Enter Lacika)
LACIKA	You’re not gonna believe this shit, trust me. (beat) What woman are you talking about?
ARON	How the hell did you get here?
MONI	Hope you weren’t scheming on my cut.
(They open the bag with the money.)
ARON	Who wants to be a millionaire?
LACIKA	It can’t be true!
ARON	Could let me hold a little change til tomorrow?
LACIKA	I don’t believe this!
ARON	Shall I bung you a million?
LACIKA	Shall I bung you two million?
(They chuck notes around, crazed.)
(Moni does not join in.)
LACIKA (cont’d) 	Everything is sorted. So get this, I’m bopping down the street peacefully, when -
MONI	Thanks, I have enough.
(She take some money)
MONI (cont’d) 	Aron...
ARON	Are you leaving? For the airport?
LACIKA	So I’m bopping down the street, right -
MONI	It’s pointless. It’s pointless to go to South-America.
ARON	Why? Doesn’t your mum live there?
LACIKA	Fuck’s sakes...
MONI	Ildiko is my mother. Sing-Song told me yesterday.
ARON	What?
LACIKA	What?
MONI	You heard.
(pause)
LACIKA	Seriously, I am as confused as a baby in a titty bar.
ARON	How can you say this so calmly?
MONI	Howjuh want me say it? I cried all day Sunday. My grandmother raised me. That’s the way it is.
(pause)
LACIKA	Now you’re wonged up and it’ll make up for all that suffrance.
MONI	Eat your money.
ARON	Stop jumping on the bed.
MONI	Why? He can do what he wants, he’s a wealthy man.
(Moni exits.)
LACIKA	Reckon she’s going to her mum?
ARON	No.
LACIKA	To her kid first, I guess.
ARON	She ain’t got no kid.
LACIKA	But I’ve seen the kid.
ARON	She ain’t got no kid and she ain’t got no mum. She’s just another junkie.
LACIKA	She’s going to her mum. Thass what she always wanted to do.
ARON	A junkie with a daydream.

EPILOGUE
(Two of them.)
BRUNN	This is the fourth time I’ve come to see you. I’ve never seen one of these girls more than twice. Seems I got myself attached to you. Seems like you capture everyone’s heart. Seems everybody loves you. Why?
MONI	Dunno.
BRUNN	Maybe I’ve fallen in love with you too. Even though you don’t love anybody. At the end of the day, you’re just another addict.
(He goes back to get undressed.)
BRUNN (cont’d) 	I’ll be ready in a minute.
(Moni is left alone, but doesn’t realise it.)
MONI	As it happens, I don’t actually take drugs. I hate them all withy a passion. And I can’t stop using all of them. The ecstasy is an exception, of course. That does me good. But if I could just stop for one minute, if I wouldn’t chase after one guy when I’m still running from another, if I could bear to spend more than five minutes a week with my daughter, leaning over her head with a fake grin, if I weren’t rifling through the Doctor’s surgery for Codein, Percodan, Valium, Xanax, Thorazine, Halcion, Antidolorica and Noxyron and for unwritten prescriptions while I con the nurse into leaving the room, if my pill consumption wasn’t of industrial proportion, if my biggest achievement of the summer wasn’t to sniff coke without spilling a drop, or at least use less coke, or if I’d always remember who the fuck it is I’m talking to, or if I could remember the name of the guy I shagged this time last year, then yeah, blatantly, my life would be like an American Dream Come True.
(Brunn hasn’t heard any of this. He gets undressed.)

END